(summer 2019)

things i am proud of (it has made me a better person)

• supporting friends at their shows
• seeing lizzo live
• built a desk
• learned new recipes
• made authentic relationships
• slept a lot
• relaxed a lot
• went swimming
• worked on art
• finished a book

(take me there, i wanna go there)

i have been having the time of my life at 25. i have met so many great people just by being myself.

it's sad to say that it has taken 25 years to realize that the best person to be is myself, regardless of if that makes me friends or not. people like me for me. i like me for me. i'm no longer looking for love, only loving myself.

that's love, yo.

(it all felt so forced)

you never felt close to a god. you always felt scared of punishment. you were encouraged through fear to serve god. you felt forced to pray due to judgement. you look back now and read what you wrote and think, "wow, what i wish i could change. i felt so forced to involve god in every aspect of my life." how much can i cringe at my teenage self?

it's hard to come back from brainwashing. you revaluate everything that you thought you knew. how do you get to heaven? how do you make god happy with you? how do you want to keep going through this life if this is really all there is? am i living to practice religion, is that the point of life? when do i get to live for me? and why is that so bad to say? why can't live a life that gives me joy, as long as it is not to the expense of others?

a few thoughts:

1. god doesn't exist in the ways that we they she does
2. your body is sacred in that it hold your soul. it is not sacred because god "owns" it. 
3. god craves justice, mercy, and empathy. you cannot truly follow these morals without deconstructing the systems that make these things impossible.
4. the human body is beautiful. you should have never been ashamed of it
5. fear is the not root of love. those who tell you otherwise are dangerous to the community's health

(where u have been)

Dear Melissa,

You have grown so much. I am so proud of you. You have taken the steps to learn to love yourself. It was hard when you were a child. You were told what to believe, not taught how to evaluate what you internalize. You should always evaluate what you internalize. You do your body no good by letting in critiques that create conformity, and not refinement. Refine yourself always. But do not let critique that does not make you into a better person rule your sun, moon, and stars. You are a beautiful person and there is always room for growth. Make sure you are growing and refining, not changing and internalizing ideas that make you feel like you are not enough. You are enough. You are more than enough. I am so proud of you. You have turned into the person you always wished you could be. Do not believe otherwise. 

(i wish u knew)

dear melissa,

you are incredible. i wish i could go back and right the wrongs that i felt inside so that the outside was better.

1. u don't need anyone to make u feel whole. u will chase this feeling for the next ten years and will be disappointed every time. the only time that u will feel whole is when u find ur most confident self.
2. read. study. take advantage of the free resources around you. challenge. just because you are scared does not mean that you are wrong. you are scared because you have not been taught to stand up for yourself / you are not practiced in standing your ground. do not let people intimidate you into believing in what they believe.
3. racists are out there. they are among who you thought were "good people" racism doesn't live on a binary of "good" and "evil" stand your ground and observe. choose your friends wisely. you might be your only friend.
4. treat yourself with kindness. treat yourself with kindness. treat yourself with CARE + KINDNESS.
5. do not destroy the body you possess in order to build a body that you don't have. put down your hair straightener. slather yourself in coconut and olive oil. you are a goddess.
6. you do not need to be white to be beautiful. that is a colonized and eurocentric idea of beauty that was established in order to control black and brown people. it still controls us. say this daily in the mirror and kiss yourself and your skin. 
7. have sex, damn. be safe. but realize that your purity is not real, it's another construct of a patriarchal society trying to control you. it is your religion trying to control you. 
8. get to know your family. maybe then it wouldn't be a drag getting to know them.
9. push on your driver's license.
10. wear whatever you want. this is your body.

(12/16/10)

(credit)

i'm not ridiculous in the way i feel. i'm not. don't tell me that my feelings are wrong, my affections are not right. i have feelings. i have them, and you have the audacity to insult me like i have none. i feel like the way i feel is true, and yes. it is going to take time to get over this, but damn it. don't act like i'm not trying. and don't act like this isn't hard for me. and don't act like i'm a whore for having these feelings. damn, i'm a human being. 

i'm a human being.

(anger seems like therapy)

Everyone needs to shut up, it's not even one specific thing they need to shut up about. It's just that it's all pertaining about them and their fabulous/twisted/sad lives. I'm all for honesty, but every time I talk to you I do not want to feel like I want to stab you with a butter knife endlessly. Do you know what I'm saying? I don't even want to MAKE the effort to make this into an enchanting poem, it's not even worth it! Gosh, just shut up! You're not cooler for not caring, you're not cooler for being a sad specimen, you're not cooler because your life is better than most; YOU'RE JUST MORE ANNOYING. I want to take your tounge and feed it to the sharks. But that wouldn't solve your problem, you'd just write on tumblr, "Lulz, Melissa ripped my tongue out. fail @ life,. /forever alone." Seriously! I hate your need to make people feel bad for you! Or that you're so giddy about making people admire you! Be real, I don't think you're that miserable, and I don't think that you're so happy that bunnies and lollipops are going to rain down from the sky. GTFO no wonder people hate our generation.

(crying eyes) (11/28/10)

originally: nov. 28, 2010
i want love from a person on earth
my other half
of my soul
i feel as if that wish were hallow
shallow
never to be fulfilled
it's hopelessness

update: july 17, 2019
who knew
my other half
was me
but i could not see her
she was hidden
under hatred, jealousy, embarrassment
how could i love a black girl
when black girls were told to not love themselves?
my other half is not a man
a lover
my other half
is the better part of me
that was resilient and powerful
and now that i have both pieces
i love me

FOREVER LOVING LIFE

(u rn't skinny anymore)

you may not be skinny anymore.....................
but you have the pink eyebrows that you saw on bulma
you have the layered textures that amie use to wear
you wear the colors and patterns you love
you aren't modest
you are loud
and announce yourself at the table
you are a badass, melissa
fuck the scale, get your $$$$$$

(rules for me / myself / i)

1. never, ever, ever let a man speak down to you
2. teach others how to speak to you. you hold that power. if they speak to you maliciously, check their ass. you will not be spoken down to.
3. do not speak down to yourself. check your own damn self.
4. love your body where it is. you may have goals, but do not use your time wishing you had something else. love your body where it is.
5. do not waste your time wishing. spend your time doing.
6. create. write, paint, sketch, photography, do whatever you need to in order to create something that is true and authentic.
7. there is no perfect man. you are on your own. and you like it.
8. not having kids doesn't make you less of a woman. you love your life solo.
9. travel. meet new friends. find new favorite places.
10. track your progress. use this diary again.
11. be responsible with your heart. not everyone deserves to have a piece of it.
12. love yourself the most. treat yourself. 

(depression / therapy)

i should have gone to therapy a long time ago.

i should have talked (freely) about what i have/was/am going through a long time ago.

i should have prioritized myself above all things a long time ago.

i should have let myself be okay a long time ago.

i should have started loving myself a long time ago.

(renouncing my religion)

brainwashing. idolization. self deprecation. internalized misogyny. internalized racism. savior complex. homophobia. ableism. islamaphobia.

this is the shit that i fully dove myself into as a teen. i cannot believe the shit that i truly believed made me a good person.

i'm a good person now. i am a good person because i finally love myself the way i was always suppose to. i love people better now, the way i was suppose to. i live without fear of being the "right" kind of woman. the only person i need to be is me.

that's god speaking (and she's a black woman)

(and here we go again)

i have aged ten years
and i have also aged a hundred
looking back at my posts, it seems like a time capsule
(where was i when i was 14? 16? 18?)
i am 25 now.
it seems so old, but i still feel so young.