the hardest thing about falling for someone who is perfect is the constant weight of knowledge that you don't deserve them. some days are better than others; some days you're elated and some days you're in a river of guilt that erodes away all good feelings. guilt over weighs all things to a point where imagining is countered by a thought of, "why even bother?" all i could ever want for him is to be happy, and i can't honestly say that i could make him happy. he deserves everything beautiful. i am an ugly person, i don't even care to live with myself sometimes. sometimes i wonder if he'll find anyone worthy one day, and i wonder if i'll find anyone i'm worthy of. sometimes i don't find any comfort at all.
alas, if i were to dismiss any hope, uncontrollable pining would set a perpetual burning fire into my life. every day would not be simply one day, but rather an eternity without any bliss. misery cannot describe anything anymore. selfishness is more than an emotion, but a battle that must be fought everyday. a battle in which i'm not sure who's side i am on. do i choose self contentment or my love's happiness? again, i am torn. i'll admire from a distance, i suppose. i'll admire his happiness in place of mine. i'll be here, always.
I think I'm in one of those blogging ruts again where I can't find much to pull out and show to all of you. I feel like you know me already. Maybe I could do less of a feelings post tomorrow, and give you a life story. If you were interested at least.