persuasion into their strong comfort

Is it completely ridiculous the way I write to no one particular? I'm personifying feelings, aggressively pointing and blaming them for the result of my negativity. i want to bash them, make them cry. I'm not in a pit pit of despair, more in a trench of anger.

edit: earlier my friend hit the nail right one the head; i'm so sick of being the positive light to everyone's world. i'm not saying i do not enjoy positivity and light, but dependency on me to make your sun rise is sort of something i'm scared of; i am not atlas and you are not my world. i'm glad a small majority of you i know in real life; otherwise i'd feel guilty for sharing something so blunt. so, i might shed a few tears later and keep going. towards what? i'm not sure yet. a part of me feels guilty for not being a ray of sunshine, because of course there are people suffering more than me and God is on my side to help me through any troubles i have. i feel the heft of guilt, i really do. but when i get down to an organic state of just thinking in silence, i feel....not nothing, but realization. realization that my friends are those who i adore being with, but they are not really there to help lift me up into great spirits. and i know that if i were gloom, no one would be able to hold my hand firmly, persuading strong comfort in their friendship. a certain friend has let me down lately, so it gives validity to this thought. i just don't know, i find happiness in tears, is this so wrong?


maryland lighthouses

honeymoon by the sea
at the top where the light shines on the sea
seahorses and lobster creepy-crawleys
all i want is to fall in
-to your arms
in bed at night, every day like a honeymoon with you
wake up to the briny mist
gray skies, bringing in the briny storm
i want it to rain on our leaky roof
so when it gets cold
you can hold me tight
and we can stare over our glistening sea
from the maryland lighthouse
just you and me 

silk hems in cotton fields

field of cotton, swirling dresses made of polished silk
falling down into arms of solid comfort
i do this well
i am with you, forever


(incomplete, but true)

originally: nov. 28, 2010
I'm a teenager, still I don't understand.

Why is it so cool to be rebellious?
Why is it so cool to destroy yourself?
Why is it so bad to believe?
Why is so good have a hook up and so bad to have a relationship?

I thank God every day that I have been raised in a home of love and relationship. And, I'm not going around saying that I'm an expert on broken homes or anything of that sort.

What I don't understand is why everything is changing for the terrible...

...and no one really seems to care anymore.
Personally, one of my greatest sins/wrongs in my life is apathy. Apathy is a killer. Apparently, it is to the world today, too. I don't want to sit here and cry, but I have the urge to because I can no longer go along with the apathy I have for this world.

People are losing purity, losing their health, losing their mind, losing themselves and it drives me crazy that they're so okay with it.

I love all the people I go to school with, and it tears me to pieces on how life is so terrible for them but they make it worse.

Honestly, you shouldn't have the right to complain if you don't make an attempt to change it.

update: july 17. 2019
Wow. Look at how much I have grown since this moment. There is so much judgement in this post -- my assumptions of people's intentions, judgement towards their lives, and blaming those with differing ideals from my own (at the time).

"Losing purity"? What a patriarchal concept. I want to gag reading this from my past self....

Let me answer the questions that I chose to pose earlier:

Why is it so cool to be rebellious?

There is a freedom that comes from breaking the rules. Rules in themselves are not without fault. They can (and should be) critiqued. Stand up for your damn self.

Why is it so cool to destroy yourself?
This might be the only control one has over anything in their life. They are coping. It is toxic. Get help.

Why is it so bad to believe?
Because we are blind and religion is a cult.  Religious groups have done a lot of damage in the course of history. Can we blame people from walking away from it?

Why is so good have a hook up and so bad to have a relationship?
Hook ups are easier. I do not love you, therefore, I do not care if you are not in my life anymore. Relationships are difficult, messy, and short-lived. I will never be in a relationship again. Josh assured this.

dear love

Are we here again? are we really here again? In this Nile of regretful tears, one would think we built a bridge and got over it; this wound, I thought you had put salt in it and let it heal bitterly. But now one can see those teeth in your smile are razor sharp, and they cut through my flesh every time your lips touch my neck. Your blue eyes are the beginning of a typhoon that drown me in the deepest woes. Maybe this is it, maybe this is time I should be all over you, not with love but possibly with a knife, so I can stab the back that did love so.

But maybe vengeance isn't mine,

I'd take it too far. ♥


brain dead

I really wish I could say more than, "hi", but that just seems to be the case. Why am I so cold-hearted lately? I'm so uninspired and I feel like this doesn't even matter anymore. And it's not that I lack support for this blog, it's that I lack support in myself; in other words, WHERE IS MY MOTIVATION? And also, why can't I find inspiration? It's like the second I write something is the time when it needs to be shredded up. Nothing's good, not in my mind anyway. This is so frustrating, remember when imagination was the source of my happiness? I think my AP classes killed that. "Use rhetorical strategies...that doesn't sound concise enough....where are you getting this information, this proof? One knows this could never happen....be real." I want to stab myself so I could go somewhere a lot of people don't think is real, a place with golden roads and singing angels. What do you say to that, logic?
Rambleramblramble, I'm just letting off steam now. I might be offending those who believe faith is logical, and I'm sorry. I'm just aggravated. <3

I'll see what I can come up with this week to write about.


p.s. leave a suggestion, maybe?


Bella Luna

I am falling in love as of right now. With what? Dancing.
Why haven't I done this before? ♥


Pirouettes and Cotton Fields

Savannah, Georgia (Unites States)

Je suis desolee, mes cheries! J'ai beaucoup devoirs et mes notes des classes n'est pas bonne....comment je suis aller le unviversite aujourd'hui?

I've been so busy with so much, I barely have time to think.  I mean, just time to relect about life and why I talk, walk, and do the things I do. I just want to sit in a room with silence for one whole day, alone. Is that too much to ask?

Some updates in my life? Oh goodness. Well, I've enterened my 3rd month of school, my 1st quarter just ended. I'm taking French III and Dance I as my electives, which are tres fantistique! My accent is a lot better, and dancing is a ball! Ballet is easily my favorite, modern being the hardest. Oh gosh, I could get used to this dancing thing, are there any openings for professional ballerinas?

French III is enjoyable, although difficult if you are not on top of it. I love speaking it now, because I am more or less fluent in coming up with sentences, but I am sure I am not grammically correct most of the time! But those Parisians talk to fast, how can they even tell. ;)

I am still single, of course. But I've realized something that might be a bit depressing, but I find comfort in anyway; if someone choses someone over me, then why even think about them anymore? Is it even worth it? Just move on, because they didn't want to be with me anyway. Is that totally pessimistic?

Oh well, I'll chat to cool cats later, salut!